


Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

by EndearingFond



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because they always have their happily ever after, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I promise, M/M, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, So chill, and getting back together as well, and sip on your wine, larry is fine and good, oh oh there's break-up, that's all for the tags i guess, there's dunkirk premiere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndearingFond/pseuds/EndearingFond
Summary: “I t-think.. uh.. I think we should not see each other anymore..” just as Louis finished his words, Harry was out in the wind, laughing like a lunatic. Louis was genuinely scared as to what happened but he knew better. Harry thought he was joking.“I am not joking.” Louis said again with conviction. Harry’s laugh came to a halt and his eyes simply bore into Louis’ oceanic blue ones to find any trace of humour in it. He couldn’t find any. Louis was serious.(or the one where there's a break-up, some angst, a Dunkirk Premiere and a bit of fluff to end it all. the usual package, you could say)





	Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> Hola amigos.. 
> 
> so, I didn't have internet connection for about 10 days now and since I had nothing much to do, I ended up writing this. this basically started off when i saw this tweet (https://twitter.com/unintendedhome/status/882123429478109186) and then @littlesunlou wanted a fic with a Dunkirk premiere, so I added it as well. and it is now around 6k words.
> 
> I hope you all like it and that i wasn't a mess in this. Let me know what you think.
> 
> happy reading!

_“mmHmm..,” Harry rolled over in his sleep when he felt a light scratch across the palm of his hand, slightly tickling him. He definitely was sure who was responsible for that but his sleep dazed body still refused to become fully alert._

_After a few minutes of focusing on opening his eyes, Harry brought his left palm to rub along his eyes to take the sleep away. Yawning, he finally opened his eyes to find his beautiful boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed holding Harry’s right hand in his. The streak of sunlight peeking through the window was falling directly on Louis’ hair, illuminating a side of his face. Harry was mesmerised. He still to this day doesn’t understand what he did to even deserve someone as beautiful as Louis._

_“Lou..,” upon listening to Harry’s voice, Louis lifted his head and cracked a smile. Harry sighed. Just that flash of that beautiful smile on Louis’ face was enough to assure that his rest of the day was going to be great._

_“Good morning, Haz.” Harry always had a thing for that raspy voice Louis had in the morning. It had a slight crack mixed with that perfect rasp. It was indescribable._

_Harry moved his face to the side, stuffing it in the pillow before finally moving up into a sitting position, resting his back against the headboard of the bed. While Louis kept scratching Harry’s palm with the sharpie in his hand, Harry was still questioning as to what exactly Louis was up to._

_“What are you doing?” Louis could sense the hint of giddiness in Harry’s voice which was enough to put a smile on his face as well. “Wait a second, Haz,” Louis replied._

_Finally after a few minutes, Louis released Harry’s palm with a satisfactory sigh and looked up to meet his eyes with a glint of happiness._

_Harry brought his palm close to his eyes to see what Louis exactly did only for his lips to quirk into a beautiful smile. There scribbled in a black sharpie was an “L” in the inside of his palm. Harry could feel his stomach do somersaults to the thought of Louis scribbling down the initial letter of his name on Harry’s skin._

_“What’s this for, hmm?” Harry asked with a glint of mischief in his voice._

_“So everyone knows you are mine.” Louis shrugged after his simple reply._

_“Yours, huh?” Harry could see that fraction of questioning flash right across Louis’ face but before it could precede to anything worse Harry ushered Louis to come to him. Louis obliged and settled in between Harry’s legs revelling in the warmth off his body, feeling at home, safe and sound._

                                                                                                **********

It has already been 10 months, ten long months since Harry last listened to that raspy voice and was in close proximity with the familiar scent that brought his mind peace. It has been 10 months since Louis walked away, 10 months since Harry asked him to.

Harry still recalls that day like it was yesterday, still tries to wipe the memories away as if they never happened. It doesn’t go away. The same pinch and twist remains. Louis isn’t here anymore, not to soothe the pain or heal the burn. Louis decided to walk away. ‘ _You asked him to.’_ Harry’s conscience murmurs back.

There are a number of things in Harry’s life that he is grateful for. Family, friends, even Louis. Of course Louis as well. After all, how could he not? There are several things but this hiatus is probably the best thing that Harry was thankful for. He doesn’t think he would have been able to hold himself together if he had to see Louis every single day after that.

He wouldn’t have been sane. He still isn’t, he guesses.

Life without Louis is hard. Even after 10 months, whenever Harry wakes up in the middle of the night disoriented and half-asleep, he still doesn’t know why the bed beside him is cold and empty rather than warm and occupied. He wakes up in the morning and realises that the only part of the bed beside him that is warm is the part where his extended arm laid all throughout the night.

Louis isn’t there to hold him anymore. The mere realisation of the fact is enough to break down the walls that Harry had built around himself. Harry cries, sound muffled by the pillow, his fists clutching the duvet, leaving behind creases.

Harry always thinks he has his life chalked out after Louis. He wakes up, grabs some food and does his work, attends interviews if he has any or simply stays holed inside his house, munching on some healthy leaf. _‘Green shit.’ Louis would have said._

It’s one of those days today. He misses the mere presence of the person he has been trying to leave behind. ‘You are fine.’ He keeps mumbling to himself, very well knowing that it’s going to be of no use.

Groaning, Harry lifts himself off his sleeping position only to find his hand stiff because of the position it was in all throughout the night. He carefully and slowly lifts his hand off the bed and starts massaging the stiff muscles.

 _‘You should have been here.’_ a voice alerts him. He knows its him only. He simply shrugs it off. He is fine. Harry is okay. He doesn’t need anyone. He is fine. ‘ _As if the constant chiming of the words will make it believable.’ The same voice chants._

A blaring sound of the ringtone was what brought back Harry to reality. It was coming from somewhere in between the sheets. ‘ _Fookn’ hell, Harold. Make it stop or I’ll throw the phone away.’_ Harry knows that voice. It’s his.

“Jesus Christ. Shut Up. Shut Up.”, Harry says to no one in particular.

After rummaging through the sheets, he traces the source of the sound and quickly taps the accept button almost as if Louis was beside him and was on the verge of throwing the phone away.

Quickly shaking his head and shrugging the thoughts off, Harry murmured a greeting to the one who decided to be a menace at 6 in the morning.

“Hello.”

“Could you be a bit more monotone, Harry?” Jeff’s voice chimed from the other side of the speaker.

“What are you calling for, Jeffrey? Don’t you have a girlfriend to irritate at 6 in the morning?” Harry just wanted to let his manager/ friend(?) off the hook. He just wanted to sleep and maybe be a bit unhealthy for a day and dump his face in an ice-cream tub. _‘Mint chocolate chip or vanilla.’_

“Can you be a professional for one day and not be such a spoil sport?” Jeff was close to losing his shit and Harry simply didn’t give a fuck about what he wanted.

“Be more elaborate, Jeffrey or I am hanging up on you. I have a busy day.” Harry mumbled through his phone speaker. _‘Eat ice-cream and sleep.’ but Jeff didn’t have to know that._

“You have an interview in about an hour, Harry. At **AllHits F.M.** I am sending in the car to pick you up. Be ready in half an hour and I don’t need any of your whining now. It’s just one fucking interview, Harold. Get Up.” Jeff kept saying a lot of irrelevant things but Harry couldn’t listen anything past “Harold”.

Louis gave him that name.

“I’ll be ready.” Harry didn’t wait for a reply and simply hung up.

Breathing heavily for a few moments he got off the bed to carry on with his day, put on a huge smile on his face as if nothing was wrong. After all, he was fine.

He didn’t even realise but he was ready in just about 20 minutes, dressed in a casual black jeans and a normal silk shirt. He just wanted to get it over with and be back home for his tub of ice cream and maybe some movies if he felt like it.

The car was here within the next 10 minutes as Jeff told Harry about. Another day of speaking the same scripted shit. Another day of talking about the things that mattered the least. Another day of brutal reminiscence of the memories. Another day without Louis.

He was fine, though. He was fine.

                                                                                *********

 

Upon entering the building, Harry was taken directly to the room where the interview was going to take place. It was going to be simple questions about the album and some other shit that Harry was not aware of. He didn’t really care. He just wanted to get it down with and return home.

But since the last 10 months, even the thought of returning home leaves behind a huge weight in his heart. Because now, he didn’t have anyone to go home to. Just silence and the lingering scent of the perfume that Harry used before exiting the house. It’s just a house now, not a home.

Harry was brought back to the present when the interviewer started tapping his shoulders, trying to avert his attention to the interview. Harry gave her a warm smile as a greeting.

“Let’s get this started then?” she asked.

Harry simply nodded his head in response. _‘Let’s get this started.’_

“Hello, listeners. It’s not every day that you get to listen to masterpieces but this recently released self titled Harry Styles album sure does change that fact. As promised, we are now here seated with the man behind the masterpiece itself, Mr. Harry Styles. We are here to talk about the experiences, life and every little detail that we can extract out of him.” the interviewer spoke efficiently with a hint of mischief in her voice.

“Hello, everyone.” Harry said through the microphone that was placed in front of him.

“So, Harry. It has been almost a week that you have released your self-titled debut solo album. How does it feel?”

“Uhh.. great.. It feels great.. I was very stressed, I won’t lie but the response has been amazing. The fans are great. It is them who make it possible every single time and I couldn’t be any more thankful. They simply amaze me every single time. it’s just amazing.” Harry was happy with the answer.

“Of course. The One Direction fans have always been dedicated and loyal. No wonder they took the responsibility of getting it straight to #1 the moment it was released.” The interviewer exclaimed with a genuine smile.

Harry felt really proud of the people who supported him. His fans who have been nothing but giving. He simply smiled and nodded his head agreeing to everything that left past her lips. He has the best fans.

“So.. You recorded a part of the album in Jamaica, right?” the question was something common but Harry simply nodded his head in response. “We did.” he added.

“How was it? The entire experience?”

“It was...uh.. therapeutic, you could say. The place that we stayed in, the entire band and my producer and writers, it was amazing. Away from the stress of the fast pacing life. I could just focus on my writing and melodies and not let anything hinder with it. It was, uh.. beautiful. Once in a lifetime experience. Although I am pretty sure that I am going to go back there soon. The place is enchanting.” It surely was.. Harry wonders if Louis would ever want to go there. He quickly shakes his head shrugging off the thoughts that were still lingering in the corners of his mind.

After the same string of questions about how, when and where, the interviewer  said that they only have 10 minutes and two questions left. Harry sighed and smiled gratefully _. ‘Ice-cream and movies’ his mind added._

“We are almost done with our segment but we still have two more questions left. So, Harry... There have been few speculations going around and we just wanted to clear it out with you.” Harry’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Some people have been saying that your song, Sweet Creature from the album is your dedication to your friend and ex-bandmate, Louis Tomlinson. Is it true?” Harry just wanted to snatch away her microphone the moment she added an “ex” in front of bandmate. ‘ _Calm down.’ He kept chanting to himself_.

“We are still in a band though. Just a hiatus. So no “exes”. That being said.. uhh.. About the speculations.. I wouldn’t feel it right to demean someone’s interpretation of my song. I have..uhh.. I have always said that songs are left to interpretation. It is not limited to confines of what the writer wrote it about. It’s about what people feel and connect it with. If someone thinks that, I can’t really, you know, go out and stop them from thinking that. I know what I wrote it about. My fans can interpret just the way they want it. They have the free power.” Harry breathed a sigh of relief after finishing saying that.

He literally took 52 seconds to dodge the question when he could have just said “no”. 52 seconds to say “Maybe. Yes, I wrote it about it. Now shut the fuck up”. 52 seconds. That’s a new record for him.

The interviewer was not convinced with the answer, hell, even Harry was not convinced with the shit he pulled. Can these 10 minutes just be over?

“So.. the last question, Harry.. What about the love life? Single? Taken? Complicated? What you are looking for in a partner? Give us the inside dirt, Harry.” The interviewer said playfully.

“Single, yes.” Harry didn’t want to elaborate anything.

“So... now that you are single.. What are you looking for in a partner, then? Your future partner?” how long even is 10 minutes. JESUS CHRIST!!!

“Partner.. hmm.. Umm.. Someone who’s nice.. I am really bad with these questions, you know. I just want to find someone who would love me the way Severus Snape loved Lily Potter. Someone, who would say forever and actually MEAN IT. It’s hard.. uhm.. To find someone like that.” Harry breathed for a few seconds. ** _’I thought I had someone like that.’ His mind adds in._** “Just, I don’t know, someone who would just be there, someone whose presence will be more than enough. Someone I can share silence with and still be comfortable.. someone funny and nice.”, he ended.

“And we are done for today. Thank you so much, Harry for taking out time off your schedule to talk with us. It was a pleasure getting to do this. And Congrats on the huge success.” The interviewer simply shook his hands and gave him a genuine smile.

“The pleasure’s all mine. Thank you for having me.” Harry quickly added.

He didn’t even wait for any more pleasantries, simply stood up, mumbled a quick thank you and goodbye and was out through the back door to avoid any paparazzi or fans. He just wanted a quiet night in. Maybe he could call Gemma and ask her to come over. He needed company. He needed to cry.

Just as he was about to fish his phone out of his pocket and text Gemma, a text came in and he felt his walls crushing in, that painful twist in his heart back again.

 _‘I meant it when I said forever.’_ Just seven words and Harry wanted to break everything in his close vicinity.

It was Louis.

                                                                                **********

 

The reminders of that day were fresh as a wound. Louis just came up to Harry and then walked away. Just like that?

Well, it wasn’t that simple. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of crying and maybe a few valuable possessions being broken into pieces. It wasn’t that easy, not at all.

Harry wants to laugh after seeing the text because how dare Louis send him that when he was the one who decided to walk out of his life, the one who decided he didn’t want Harry anymore, the one who thought that they were too young to decide about forever.

Harry hates himself, because even after all this he is still in love with Louis. Love with the man who decided to leave behind everything because Harry didn’t deserve this. Who the hell was he to decide what Harry deserved? _‘You. You, always You.’ Harry’s mind kept screaming at Louis that day when Louis kept saying what Harry actually deserved._

Harry simply sighs heavily and gets back to his house to dump his face in the ice-cream tub and forget about everything. ‘ _As if.’, his conscience mocked him_.

                                                                                ********

_Harry always hated rain. He repulses getting drenched and having mud stick to his shoes. He loved his boots. Louis was the complete opposite. He loved rainy season, waited for it throughout the year. He loved dancing in the middle of the streets, the raindrops soaking into his shirt and pants, not even giving a shit if he falls sick, because Harry was going to take care of him._

_‘Even the more reason to dance about in the rain. Special treatment from Harry.’ Louis always thought._

_But that day was different. Louis wasn’t getting drenched to enjoy or fall sick to get special treatment. He just wanted something to mask the tears that were constantly pouring down his cheeks. He was going to do it today. He was going to break-up with Harry._

_Harry was perched up on the couch with the blanket covering him from knee down and a mug of coffee sitting atop the table while he was watching a movie that was playing on it. He wasn’t that interested in that though. He was just killing time waiting for Louis to arrive so he could snuggle and drift off to sleep with a handful of his boyfriend._

_His prayers were soon answered when Louis entered through the front door and quickly slid in the couch beside Harry, keeping a safe distance within them. Harry quirked his eyebrows in confusion._

_“What happened?” Harry asked because Louis never sat that far from Harry even when he was drenched in rain._

_“I..uh... I think we should talk.” For someone who is chirpy and loud, Louis’ voice was definitely slow and timid. Harry simply gave him a questioning look._

_“I t-think.. uh.. I think we should not see each other anymore..” just as Louis finished his words, Harry was out in the wind, laughing like a lunatic. Louis was genuinely scared as to what happened but he knew better. Harry thought he was joking._

_“I am not joking.” Louis said again with conviction. Harry’s laugh came to a halt and his eyes simply bore into Louis’ oceanic blue ones to find any trace of humour in it. He couldn’t find any. Louis was serious._

_“Why?” Harry didn’t even realise there was any voice or words left within him after that revelation._

_“I don’t know, Haz- Harry. I really don’t know. I just don’t see this working anymore. I just don’t feel like either of us deserves this. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit here and watch us fight every single day because of the lack of freedom or rather the confines of the closet choking us. I am not strong enough to step out to the world and come out. I am just not ready to do so.” Even Louis knew that this excuse was just not enough because Harry never pressured him into coming out but this was the only way to let Harry off the hook and lead the life that he always deserved._

_“I don’t want you to come out, Lou. Did I make you feel like that?” Harry stepped towards Louis extending his arm out to hold him but Louis didn’t want this day to hurt anymore. He simply stepped back only to find desolation and hurt in Harry’s eyes._

_“We don’t have to come out ever, Louis. I don’t even want us to if you are not ready. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, baby. I just want you, in any way that I can get.” Harry’s vision was already clouded with the unshed tears, even if he tried to convince himself, he knew that this was it. There was nothing that he could do to hold Louis back to himself. But he was going to at least try till the end._

_“I.. uh.. I don’t want to try anymore, Harry. I am tired. I just want to step out and not cringe every time we are mentioned in the same sentence because they decided to throw unnecessary questions at us. I just don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore. All we do is fight now-a-days. You deserve better than this, Harry. You don’t deserve to be in the confines of a relationship that would restrict you from being yourself when that is exactly what you want, what you always wanted.” ‘I only want you.’ Harry wanted to scream out._

_“Who are you to decide what I deserve, Louis? Who are you to decide that I am done trying? Just because you don’t feel like it’s worth it, doesn’t mean I am done trying. But you know what? It’s better that you cleared it out today. It’s better that I know that you don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore. You can go now. Leave. Now.” Louis didn’t wait back to listen to the screaming and the hysteric cries that left Harry’s lips after that. He didn’t wait to listen to the shattering glasses, the broken boy that he left inside the house._

**_‘You did the right thing. Harry deserves better.’ Louis’ conscience kept repeating._ **

It was 10 months ago. Harry is fine now. He still doesn’t know if he actually got anything better after that, as Louis pointed out but he is hollow because the one completing him wasn’t there with him anymore.

                                                                                *********

Harry did finally call up Gemma to meet him at his house. He just needed some familiarity. He just needed someone to hold him, someone he can rely and cry on. He needed his big sister to protect him just the way she did when they were toddlers. He just wanted her to hold him and tell him that it was going to be okay, that he was not weak and pathetic to cry over someone who thought their relationship wasn’t worth the fight anymore.

Harry always liked it when Gemma put the boy’s head on her lap and combed her delicate fingers through his curls while they spoke about nothing, letting the silence speak for itself.

“You are going to be okay, baby brother.” Gemma kept a steady motion with her fingers through Harry’s hair while Harry curled around her seeking all the comfort and assurance.

_‘He was going to be okay.’_

“They have matching tattoos of their name’s initials, you know?” Harry mumbled referring to the pictures that he saw of Louis and Eleanor. He still remembers crying for the entirety of the day after he saw those pap pictures of them. He felt rejected and used, although he knew deep down that Louis loved him, loved him all throughout and this was all a charade. None of it mattered, none of it was true. But then, he even believed they were a forever thing and look where it brought him.

Gemma simply hummed in response, not really saying anything in return. She knew better not to. It was really hard for her to sit back holding her shaking and crying brother that day after he got a text from Louis saying that Harry needed her. She wanted to go and kill the person that made his brother cry, but Harry held her back. They haven’t talked about it anymore. She just held him while Harry left her shirt full of tear stains and snot. Gemma didn’t mind.

                                                                                ***********

Nobody had heard from Louis, no one knew where he exactly was for the first two months. No phone calls, no sightings. Not a single news about the boy. All that he wanted was Harry and it hurt him to the core that all that he couldn’t have was the same curly haired boy.

His management wanted better than that which is when he decided to be seen, not alone this time though. Their management thought it would be better to bring back someone familiar which is why he was spotted with the brunette three months later, hand in hand, a fake smile on his face for the people who were simply concerned with taking their photographs.

Louis knew that Harry would see the pictures. Louis even knew how much it would hurt the boy, he knew it all but he did it anyway so that Harry can move past him and carry on with his life with all the amazing things that he always deserved. All the better things in life, better things than Louis, better people than Louis.

His boy was finally going to flourish in both the music and movie world and he just couldn’t wait anymore. He was so proud of Harry, even if situations showcased it as something different; it was a fact that there was no one who was prouder of Harry than Louis himself.

_‘You did the right thing. Harry deserves the world. All the better things in life’ the voice kept chanting._

                                                                                **********

Harry still remembers the day when he called Louis to tell him about the role of Alex that he landed in the upcoming movie, DUNKIRK. He was over the moon with the news and Louis was nothing but proud of his boy. Harry was elated. Louis was happy.

Everything feels like a distant memory now.

The DUNKIRK premiere is finally tonight. It’s July 13th. Harry was finally going to be walking down the red carpet with all the co-stars of the film in his well-tailored suit but he wasn’t satisfied. He wasn’t content or happy. He knew why. He missed him.

Even though both him and Louis knew that they would never be able to come out and walk down the red carpet together, the knowledge that Louis would be home waiting for him with a proud smile and a warm embrace was more than enough for Harry.

He doesn’t have it anymore. No Louis to go back home to.

Harry was taking his mother as his plus one and he was glad that he had her by his side today because he needed that lift and support. Anne was nothing but happy to be by her son’s side when Harry asked her to be there for her. She still can’t believe that her popstar son was now part of one of the biggest movies of 2017. She was proud.

                                                                                ***********

 ** _‘Prove it.’_** The text still haunted the living daylights out of Louis. How does he do it? How should he go out and undo every single word that left his lips 10 months back.

Louis knew that he shouldn’t have texted Harry after listening to that radio interview. What was he thinking? Harry hates him, not that he deserves anything better but what was he even thinking, texting Harry like that in the middle of nowhere.

While Louis thought Harry would ignore the text as a drunken message, he was shocked when he found a two word reply to it. ‘Prove It’. As simple as it sounds, it was far from it.

Was Harry actually asking him to prove it? Was he asking him to fight for it, for any remnant of the relationship that he left broken and wounded? Should he do it? What if Harry rejects it all?

 _‘At least you tried’_ his heart adds in.

And that is exactly what he was going to do. Fight for it. Fight for something that he treasures more than his life. Fight to show Harry that he meant it when he said “Forever”.

                                                                                **********

Harry was all set, dressed in his navy blue custom-made suit, his boots and with his make-up all done. It was his day, it’s his day and he was not going to let anything bring it down for him. It was the day for the premiere of the film, his debut film and he was proud of himself.

He stepped out of the car, keeping the door open for his mother to step out so that they could walk out on the red carpet and share the beautiful experience with the world. _‘Your world doesn’t care though’_ Harry just wanted these voices to stop.

Harry and Anne walked out on the red carpet and posed for a few pictures. The entire theatre and the entrance were constantly under the maze of the beautiful lights and the constant flashes. Harry loved it. His insides were giddy and all he wanted was to scream out because he made it, he was part of a Christopher Nolan movie and he was walking the red carpets of the premiere.

Harry greeted all his co-stars who were already at the venue and hugged everyone, posing for several pictures. He was just waiting for Gemma and Michael to arrive so that Anne didn’t feel left out. He apologetically waved over at his mother who was standing idly around the corner and all Harry wanted was to pave his way to her and keep her company.

After quickly chatting with his co-stars, Harry decided to go up to his mother but a sudden hand round his waist and a familiar scent made him go weak in his knees. He knew it was him even before seeing him. He knew it was Louis.

Harry couldn’t even turn around to spare a glance at Louis before he felt the familiar warmth of lips on his temple and a quiet whisper of ‘I am proud of you’. It didn’t even take a moment for all the flashes to turn around towards them, capturing the moment that Harry would have loved, if the situations were different.

He was seething instead. It was his day. It was not supposed to be like this.

Harry very well knew that he couldn’t up and leave or distance himself from Louis because he didn’t want any kind of drama in the premiere of his debut movie. Was it possible to hate someone even more than you could love them? Harry just wanted nothing but to bash Louis’ head right that moment, demanding an answer as to what he wanted and why he was doing this. He didn’t though.

“We’ll talk later when it’s all done.” Harry murmured to Louis, his voice cold and clipped off. Louis got the message.

The movie was amazing. Harry still was in a daze and wanted someone to pinch him because he still couldn’t believe that he was part of such a big project. Harry didn’t even realise that Louis was holding his hand, his thumb caressing his knuckles all throughout the movie. He quickly jerked his hand away on realisation.

Who does Louis think he is, sweeping in out of nowhere claiming his place that he once didn’t seem worth it? Who does he think he is?

When it was all over and all the celebrities and artists were ready to all head back home, Harry didn’t wait for anyone and just grabbed Louis’ hand in his and dragged him away from the venue, not even caring about the flashing lights on his face and their intertwined hands which are surely going to make great headlines tomorrow.

He didn’t care. He just wanted answers from the man who decided to sweep in and out of Harry’s life whenever he felt like it.

Louis didn’t even say a single word when Harry opened the passenger door of his car and almost threw him into it and sat down on the driver’s seat himself. Louis knew Harry needed answers and he was ready to give them. Louis was done with the constant tip-toeing around and he wanted to either have it and have it all or let go of it completely.

He just needed Harry to take him back. Seemed like an impossible task at hand. He will try though.

The car came to a sudden halt and suddenly he was yanked away from the seat and Harry dragged him away to the building. It’s their home. ‘ _Harry’s house’ he quickly thinks._

“Speak.” Harry finally threw the word at Louis, as if he was spitting venom.

“You said t-to Prove it.” Louis was on the verge of a mental breakdown because of the constant glare that Harry held towards him. “I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO RUIN THE ONLY DAY THAT I WAS WAITING FOR, YOU SELFISH PRICK.” Harry voice almost cracked in the end because he was not used to shouting profanities like this. He didn’t care though.

“IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY DAY, MY DAY NOT YOURS TO PROVE SOME SHIT THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN MEAN-“

“I meant it.” Louis cuts through the middle of it.

“SHUT UP, WILL YOU? I HATE YOU, LOUIS. I HATE YOU SO MUCH NOW. DO YOU EVEN EVER THINK ABOUT OTHERS? IT WAS MY DAY AND YOU DECIDED TO RUIN IT ALL. DID YOU REALISE THAT YOU MAYBE OUTED ME RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU DECIDED IT WAS OKAY TO COME AND KISS MY TEMPLE? I WASN’T READY, YOU ASSHOLE. I DIDN’T WANT THAT. STOP MAKING DECISIONS FOR ME. STOP THINKING THAT WHAT YOU KNOW IS THE LAST THING. I DIDN’T WANT IT, NOT LIKE THIS.” Harry was seething by the end of it, his face red and his cheeks wet. These tears never stop, do they?

“Maybe I didn’t want you to prove it like that. Maybe I was drunk when I texted you back. Maybe I don’t even want any of it. Have you even given it a thought? No, right? Because Louis Tomlinson knows it all. Louis Tomlinson is never wrong, right?” Harry didn’t even spare a glance in Louis’ direction because the moment he looked up at Louis, he wanted nothing but to hold the boy close to his chest and rub his hands on his back.

Louis was vigorously shaking; his eye rimmed red, tears constantly cascading down his cheeks. He always ruins everything, doesn’t he? Harry didn’t want this. He was right when he decided that Harry deserved better than him. Harry was probably drunk when he texted back. What was he even thinking? He probably ruined the only good day for Harry.

“I-i am s-sorry.” Louis didn’t rely on his voice to speak anything else. He knew better not to speak anything else; he’ll either make it worse or end up choking on his own snot and tears.

“Why are you here, Louis?” Harry was finally calm and all he wanted was answers.

“Why are you here after 10 months? After you left saying that it was not worth it? Why now, Louis? Give me an answer or the front door is there, you can leave. Wouldn’t be so hard for you, now that you have done it once priorly.” The words cut deeper than knife but Louis knew that it was the hurt speaking, the wounds that Louis left behind 10 months back.

“I-uh..I wanted to come back the moment I left, Haz. But I better knew not to. You were out there trying to open ways to get out of the closet, I just didn’t want to hold you back and restrain you from being yourself. I love you so much, Harry. So much that it hurts. But I knew that at some point of time, you would want to be yourself and you would end up blaming me for not letting you do that. I just became selfish and thought about myself. I didn’t want to end up being resented by you, Harry. I just became a lot selfish and thought about myself first and decided to free you. I wanted you to be out and proud. You deserved that. You deserved way more than what I could offer you, baby” Louis felt like there was nothing left that he could say. He just poured the contents of his heart out to the boy with whom it belonged.

“You don’t get to d-decide, Louis. You don’t get to always decide what I want. Ten months back when you said that I deserved better than all that we had, I wanted you. Ten months later when you chant the same, I still want you even when my brain is telling me to hate you and let you go. I can’t do it, Louis. I can’t sit back and imagine a future that.. that doesn’t include you in it. I tried, I have been trying for the past ten months and I couldn’t even pass the 1% mark. You are all I want, all I’ll always want, Lou. You didn’t have to prove it just because I asked you to. You just had to stay, Lou. You just had to hold me tight and never let go.”

Harry’s voice became hoarse and cracked towards the end because he was anything but okay. He just sobbed into the palm of his hands, biting his lips viciously to the point that he could taste blood. He just wanted this to stop. He just wanted this pain to subside and for Louis to hold him and tell him that the past ten months were a dream, nothing but a nightmare.

And almost as if Louis could sense what Harry needed, he simply put his arms around the shaking form of Harry, holding him close to his chest, pressing gentle kisses to his hair.

“Shh..shh... baby, I love you. Please don’t cry.. I am here. It’s okay.. I am sorry, I am so so sorry, baby. I’ll fix it, I promise. I am here, my love.. Harry, c’mon baby.. Stop crying.. It’s okay.” Louis’ constant murmuring was music to Harry’s ears. He missed it. He missed the warm cocoon of Louis’ arms; he missed the beautiful scent of Louis’ body around him. Harry missed it and now that he finally had it, he never wanted to let it go. He didn’t even realise when he had a death grip on Louis’ shirt, fisting it in his hands almost as if he was going to wake up the next second and everything of it would just be a dream.

“Please don’t leave me.. I am tired of having my heart broken, Louis. I am tired of piecing it back together. I am tired of finding all the broken pieces.” Harry’s voice was muffled against Louis’ chest.

“I won’t. I’ll lend you my pieces, baby. We’ll be okay. I promise.” Harry knew the moment these words slipped past Louis’ lips that he meant them, meant every single word.

Harry just lifted his head, only to press his warm plush lips to Louis’ thin ones to seek the assurance of the words that slipped past Louis’ lips. Louis just cupped Harry’s face in his hands pouring out all his feelings into that single kiss.

“I missed you. I missed you so much, Louis. Waking up everyday without you beside me felt like a knife twisting deep inside my heart. It hurt. It hurt to the point where I just regretted ever meeting you. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even think or spare a moment thinking about a world where I wasn’t yours and you weren’t mine, Lou. I just couldn’t.” Harry’s tears kept seeping through Louis’ shirt while all Louis did was gently stroke Harry’s back while mumrmuring sweet nothings to the vulnerable boy in his arms.

“I couldn’t too, Harry. I just wanted to come running back the moment I left, to come fall on my knees in front of you and ask for you to take me back. I just couldn’t live with the fact that I wouldn’t even be able to call you mine anymore. And it hurt.” Louis brought the end of his sleeves to wipe the tears away from his eyes. “I never want to let you go, Harry. Never want to imagine a day without you in it.”

“I love you.” Harry finally said pressing their lips together, their tongues warm and familiar.

“I love you too.” Louis replied, their foreheads pressed against each other, the oceanic blue orbs boring deep into the emerald ones.

They simply laid there holding each other, feeling at home, feeling complete.

So when Louis finally posted a picture of Harry on the red carpet of the DUNKIRK premiere with the caption “ I am not ready to share my superstar with the world L #proudboyfriend” , he knew the world was going to go bonkers. He knew what tomorrow was going to bring them.

Louis didn’t care though. He’ll handle the consequences when time comes. For now, he just wanted to hold his boyfriend and cuddle him to sleep, revelling in the warmth that he seeked for the past 10 months. He was finally happy. Even if he isn’t what Harry deserves, Harry reassured him that he is all he wants and that was more than reassuring.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much if you read. I love all the feedback and comments, so leave me some. i would love that. Thank you once again. 
> 
> love y'all.


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